Monday, July 28, 2014

Family Is...Part II

I wrote a post about my brother, Gordon on my personal blog; I'm going to update a few things here on my Family History blog.  It's not really 'genealogy', but it's family-based, so here it is.

I visited family for my vacation this year in California; in addition to cousins and friends, I made a point to visit my brother, Gordon, while I was there.  I'll cover some of the more emotional parts of my visit a bit later in the post; but I wanted to write about some general information I found out regarding Gordon during my visit.


As I wrote in my original post (linked above), Gordon was born December 25th, 1949.  His case files note that he was a 6-month pregnancy; although I'm not sure at which point of the 6 months that refers to, it would carry along with the information that he was roughly 8-10 weeks premature at birth.  His birth weight was 2 pounds, 8 ounces.  He was in intensive care (PICU/NICU) and an incubator for several months.  At the time the doctors stated he was completely blind and severely retarded.  To my knowledge his birth mother has had no contact with him.

Gordon originally attended the California School for the Blind; I'm not sure what age he started there.  I believe based on stories from my parents that he stayed there during the week days and came home during the weekends or for extended visits until he was relocated to Loma Linda; at the University Hospital Medical Center there.

Currently Gordon resides at Lanterman Developmental Center in Pomona, California.  Their records state he's been there since 1958, but as I know he was also at the two facilities above, that's likely the date he was put into the system as a ward of the State of California.  Gordon would have been 9 years old.  (My parents were married December 19, 1959 and I was born July 30, 1963.)


I have a photo of Gordon and I when I'm a baby; 



James Gordon Roper, Gordon Allan Roper and Bessie Creviston Roper (Left)
Marjorie Kirkwood Roper, Paige Annette Roper (infant), Gordon Allan Roper, Bessie Creviston Roper, circa 1963
Bessie Creviston Roper with Gordon Allan Roper, 1950


and a couple of Gordon as a baby:

Gordon June 1, 1950











Gordon about 5 years old (no date)
There's some dispute about whether the family called him "Allan" or "Gordon", but Lanterman has called him "Gordon" or "Mr. Roper" likely since he's been there so I think that Gordon is more appropriate in this case.

My mother used to visit once a month when we lived in California; after my dad died in 1974 and we moved to Oregon to my knowledge she never visited again.  I believe my dad visited several times a month until he wasn't able to drive himself.

Me, Mom and Dad, 1973 or 1974
After my dad's death in 1974 and our subsequent move to Oregon; the hospital would have sent at minimum annual reports on his health, welfare, progress, etc.  My mother never talked about him unless I asked; usually the answer was "I don't know".  When my mother died in 2005 I received a box of (unopened) reports on Gordon; I called his Clinical Social Worker at the time and had my name put into his files.  I've received annual updates as well as correspondence regarding his care since that point.

Some of my family were very supportive about my visits and connection to Gordon.  Others were, well, uncomfortable with the mortality that faces us all and how much God has control of our lives (that's as tactful as I can be without calling people out for some very inappropriate and hurtful attitudes about Gordon, disabled people and the situation in whole).

I've had several conversations with both his State Social Worker -- Bonnie Diehl and his Clinical Social Worker -- Ida Younge in the past few months.  When I planned this trip, it was my main intention to meet Gordon and spend as much time as we both could handle.  Bonnie and Ida felt that my visiting wouldn't create undue stress for him and encouraged me every step of the way.  I was VERY nervous.
Acute Hospital Building, Lanterman Developmental Center

The Lanterman facility is in Pomona; on 300 acres of land.  The grounds are clean, well-manicured and kept.  There are many smaller house structures around the property for possibly 1 or two residents; as well as some buildings that appeared to house up to 10 residents that could live in some ways on their own.  Gordon is in the "Acute Hospital" building in "Residence 54".  There are 5 or 6 clients at this time on his floor; there are other residents on other floors, but the numbers are dwindling as the state relocates them to smaller home settings.


I had the opportunity to meet about 10 staff members over my days of visiting.  I was able to meet both Bonnie and Ida, as well as Gordon's regular nursing staff; Beelia, Rolando, Mary and others.  Every one of them were interactive with the residents, talked to them, and treated them like people without disabilities of any kind.  Respectful and friendly.  The buildings are clean and have no odor of disinfectant or bodily fluids.  The walls, windows, floors and other areas are clean and cared-for.  The grounds have flowers in bloom, plants, trees and ramps, sidewalks and lots of areas for visiting.

I visited 5 out of the 7 days I was there.  Each day there was a planned activity that the staff took the residents to.  Residence 54's clients are all wheel-chair bound; in various degrees of developmental need.  Activities that I attended were a church service with songs, guitar and a sermon from the bible, a karaoke activity with the staff dancing and engaging the clients by clapping and singing, movies, several other singing activities and tram rides or "walks" around the facilities. 

The staff are also assisted by volunteers called "the grammas".  Yes, there is also a "grampa".  These people are well in their 70's and come every day (that I was there) to sit with the clients.  The hold hands, help push their chairs, feed them, help them with coats or blankets and just spend time with them.  

Karaoke / Music day
There is laughter and talking and a very friendly atmosphere on the floor.  Staff were very excited to see me, greeted me every day and talked with me about my family, the back story on my relationship (such as it wasn't) with Gordon and my visit.  They opened the files and answered questions for me.  They talked to the residents as friends; not patients. There are a lot of smiles and friendly greetings; not clinical and silent.

My cousin Marji visited one day with me; she took some photos of us together and introduced herself to Gordon.  She didn't know he existed until about 10 years ago, and completely by accident.  She continues to be very supportive of me and of Gordon. She commented that he blinked his eyes and tilted his head when I spoke.  I'm very thankful for her encouragement.




During the times that I spent with Gordon, I held his hand, spoke to him, rubbed his back, hugged him and talked to him about our family and who I was.  I have no idea what processed and what didn't.  There were days when he allowed me to touch him and times when he would push my hand away.  He spoke just once during one of my visits; he said "Yeah, yeah, yeah".  I don't know the significance of those words to him, but he repeated them several times.  The staff said that was unusual (although he had spoken here and there).

One day, as I was getting ready to leave, I told Gordon that it was my time to go for the day but that I'd be back the next day.  He grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. The staff said that was VERY unusual and that he didn't want me to leave.  I spent about another 45 minutes with him.  Every day I left I kissed his neck, rubbed his back and told him "I love you, Gordon".






My last visit for this trip was on Tuesday morning before I drove to the airport to fly back home.  It was difficult for me and I teared up several times.  Gordon was less open to me holding his hand, but I chalk that up to him being a bit upset that I'm leaving; maybe that's a bit of projection on my part.  My last words to him as I left were "I love you, Gordon."  


The staff hugged me as I left and thanked me for the visits and for the time to get to know Gordon.  I sobbed in the car in the parking lot.  So many thoughts -- anger, loss, sadness, questions, hurt, love.  Five days out of 50 years of my life with him. I'm still not sure I have words to explain all the feelings about my visit.  


I'm planning on writing to Gordon; I don't know what the letters will cover.  Maybe I'll talk about dad and mom; maybe I'll just tell him about my life up here.  I'm considering recording some audio letters to him, but that will take some time to get me up to speed; until then I'll write and ask the staff to read them to him.  
Gordon will be moving soon to a group family home as the State of California is shuttering the large facilities like Lanterman.  I was able to visit the home he'll be moved to, see his bedroom and meet the staff that will be with him.  
We're just waiting for his move date. It's about 5 minutes from Marji's home in Downey and she's promised to visit him when she can; she made a trip on Sunday to spend some time with him and sent me some pictures.

It's never too late to meet your family.  Never.  I'm trying not to obsess over lost time and lost opportunities but to look forward to what we can build with the time we have.  I don't know how much Gordon remembers of me or if I even made a blip in his conscience.  I'm not sure it matters if I did or not; because he is my family regardless of circumstances.

1 comment:

  1. Lovely story......very heartfelt, you had me tearing. Reaching out to family is so important. Wonderful story, and thanks for sharing.

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