The news is filled with stories of adopted children finding
their birth parents; happy reunions, answered questions, families
re-connected. There are, I believe, just
as many adoptees who never actually meet their birth families for one reason or
another.
As I’ve said before, I’ve always known I was adopted, and
for me it wasn’t a missing piece as much as it was just another facet of my
life. The part of a photo behind the
frame, if you will.
I had quite a bit of information about my birth parents;
birth dates, eye and hair color, some characteristics; over the years I’ve found
their address and even birth certificates.
But that doesn’t connect you with a person; it’s like reading about
someone in a news article – you understand what they’re like, but you don’t
really know who they are.
I began my search in earnest in 1991, although I belonged to
online adoption bulletin boards for quite a few years before that. I wrote my first letter to various adoption
research companies in December of 1991; most of them were agencies and sent me
forms to complete and brochures about their services.
Through the Internet and email, I was connected with a woman
who gave me a great many tips regarding my search for my birth parents. Beverly Difani answered my questions, gave me
her phone number and hand-wrote a return letter to me giving me detailed instructions
on continuing the search.
Adoption is often associated with guilt and shame; sometimes
there are family members who know about the child; many times the child is a
total secret. Because of this, many
birth families will not answer questions regarding adopted children – it’s
better to approach them through a genealogy angle – which is a bit false, I’ll
admit, but not completely off the mark. “I’m
calling to research my husband’s aunt’s daughter” gets a much better response
than “I’m looking for my birth parents”.
My search in 1991 stopped for awhile due to family and other
life happenings, and I started the search again in 1994. In 1994, while watching “Oprah” (nursing a
child and being home-bound with no cable); a company called “Find People Fast”
was interviewed about their services. For
about $20 you could give them a name and they would send a list of all
registered names in the US with addresses and phone numbers. My total bill was $39 and I requested
information on “John K Joyce” in the eastern states. I received a report with 7 pages of “maybes”
and began writing letters.
I mailed out 29 letters to addresses in Connecticut and Massachusetts
during 1995 and 1995 (where my mom had said she believed they were from). I received three back with “no forwarding” or
incorrect address/recipient. I received
a hand-written reply from an Agnes Joyce Mahoney of Connecticut; no match.
I also received a listing from Bev DiFani with some
information from the SSI death index and made a few phone calls to some of the “likely”
matches in March of 1996. One of the
gentlemen I spoke to was “John K Joyce” living in South Orlean,
Massachusetts. My notes say that he had
lived in Massachusetts all his life – his family too – and that there was no
Helen living at that address. [Based on
information I have now – and the event that I relate in the next paragraph – I believe
that was my birth father. I can’t guess
at the reasons he wasn’t honest about the answers to my questions, but my
research and evidence shows that it was him.]
In August of 1996, I was sitting on my deck while my almost
3 year old son, James, played in the safety of our backyard. The phone rang and I answered, thinking it
was my husband or a friend calling to chat.
I can still remember the surreal feeling as the woman on the phone asked
if I was the Paige Norman who had sent out letters in search of her birth
family. She also asked if I was going
to ask the court to open my file and if I was still interested in information
(I have notes in detail from this phone conversation).
This unidentified woman had received one of my letters in April of 1995 and knew the people
listed in the letter (John K. and Helen Adele).
She had forwarded the letter to the persons mentioned and asked that
they do “what they felt was necessary”.
She was disappointed I had not heard from them; however she didn’t feel
it was unusual. She was unwilling to
identify herself, other than that she knew the family and the people well. She answered questions for me and gave me
some of the most specific information I have on my birth family.
- Helen and John married in 1965; they were still married as of the call (and until his death in July 2001).
- They were both in good health
- John was born in 1927 or 1928 (my information noted 1925 -- his death certificate says 1924)
- John has a son from a previous marriage; they were not close
- John had been married twice previously
- John is Irish, but very devoutly Catholic
- Helen denies she was ever in California
- They live in Orlean, Massachusetts
- They are not “warm” people
My notes go
on to relate that I believed the caller to be a sister or aunt of the family
somehow. She was sympathetic and nice
but would not identify how exactly she knew John and Helen. I felt at the time she might contact me another
time, but I have never heard from her again.
I wrote a
letter, addressed to Helen on my birthday in 2003. The letter told her I wasn’t angry or hurt
about the adoption; that my adoptive parents were wonderful and that I wanted
to connect in hopes she would want to know about her grandchildren. The letter was returned, unopened with the USPS
notation “This address is not currently serviced for Street Delivery”. (I seem to remember writing one other letter
that was marked “Return to Sender”, but it’s not in my files). I have recently located another address for
Helen; I may try again with another letter.
My birth
father passed away in July of 2001 and I have his death certificate and
obituary; another treasure trove of information to research at a later date. The death certificate provided me with his city,
date and location of birth, as well as a current address and spouse at the time
of death. His obituary lists the High
School he graduated from as well as his military academy and service. My half-brother’s name and an uncle are
listed as well as his widow (my birth mother).
I have also
made contact with a cousin (of sorts) through a blog. I’ll write a bit about that in my next
chapter.
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